Happy Monday 🙂
I wanted to talk about “learning life lessons.” It is something that I am still struggling with and I have had a lot of bad struggles which resulted in life lessons both good and VERY bad lessons. I am hoping a lot of you can relate to learning about life through lessons. I think its something that is hard to understand, because there is no one in life saying if you do this… you will learn this. I mean besides the obvious cause/effect actions such as “If you touch the hot stove, you will get burned.” Nobody ever told me that I would be a schizophrenic learning life lessons the hard way, no one was ever able to prepare myself or my family on what I was going to go through in my life.
I think being schizophrenic and living in a very judgmental society are the main reasons that I have learned my lessons. I think its very hard to live a “normal” life when you are constantly being watched, being monitored if you are taking your medicine and just not able to be yourself without people wondering if this is another manic episode happening. People have always thought I am the girl, who has the perfect life, perfect family etc. Yes, I will admit my family is a big backbone in my family. However, I do not have a perfect life, actually I have a VERY far from perfect life. During my episodes I have cost my husband thousands of dollars, pain, stress and agony. I think that hardest part of episodes is knowing that I am letting him down. He married this strong and caring woman, who has quickly morphed into a “schizophrenic mess.” The biggest life lesson I have learned after being diagnosed would be to take one step at a time. Do not try and run the race if you have never ran before. Start slow and start training yourself to overcome those obstacles when they come. I think the hardest part for me is knowing how to avoid those obstacles. I have been thinking about mediation, yoga, etc., What do you do to avoid stress and stay on track in your life?
I have also learned to respect my husband the most because he has stayed with me during all of my episodes and remains to stand by me during some of the roughest times in my life. He watches me everyday take my medicine and he supports me 100%. Actually, he is the main reason I want to stay on track and never stop taking my medicine again. We want to start a family and without being “stable” I will not be able to be able to care for a baby and myself. I need to get myself into a proper mindset before I bring a child into this world. I think that was a hard lesson to learn, but I know I need to think about others before myself (another lesson I have learned throughout my life).
There are many lessons that I have learned in my life, I have learned that it is not ok to be schizophrenic and not take the proper attention such as medication and therapy. I learned that your biggest support system may be the only person that stands with you through thick and thin. (Always reminds me that in his vows he said he would be with me through the good and the bad, in sickness and in health)- that is a true man and I am very lucky for him to still stand with me. I have learned that I am very confused, lost soul and I am not sure how to repair myself or if it is even possible. I have learned that I am very negative person and I want to become a happy girl who has nothing to worry about stress wise and just “brushes” things off rather than dwelling on the issue, which is what I do now. I have learned that I need to share my experiences in case anyone is struggling with their own issues and are just waiting to get that courage to get the help you need and figure out how to stay on the right path.
One foot at a time to run that marathon!
I am sure some of you can relate to dealing with “stigma” throughout your life. Well, I want you to know you are not alone. This is a very hard post for me to make, but I want to let my guard down and really allow you to get to know me as a whole person. I think my first “stigma” was that I was overweight in high school and I remember that some boy called me “Thunder Thighs”, this didn’t hurt when I was younger because the boy saying it should not have been talking. However, as I got older I always could hear that over and over in my head- it really took down my self confidence. I was never the one that to engage in conversation of anyone I didn’t know because I was afraid of what they “thought” of me and what they would say about me. That became one of my biggest insecurities and I still face that issue today. I am constantly worried about someone thought of me, how I look, what if they thought I was fat, ugly etc. I need to realize how to let those thoughts subside and really focus on myself for the person that I am. I am still working on that and working on this “puzzle” we call life. Also, another stigma I deal with is having a mental illness. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. I have “ruined” a lot of things in my life because of my mental illness. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia about 5 years ago, due to some unfortunate events where I began “thinking” and “hearing” things. I was hospitalized for a week due to voluntary admission, this was a terrifying experience for me. I still remember having to sleep on a hard bed, similar to those in the doctors office, without a sheet and not allowed to even have toothpaste or a toothbrush in my room. I had to go get it from the nurses station. I remember the only thing that kept me “from loosing my mind” anymore was coloring. I colored everyday and it soothed my soul. I remember when my mom and husband came to see me, I was both happy and sad. Happy because I missed them, but sad because I realized I hurt them with my schizophrenic behavior. I think the medical industry is quick to “label” someone because they want to just “diagnose” you without really knowing the whole story, it ruined me to learn I had schizophrenia. I always thought, only people in straight jackets could have that disorder. I was so naïve to the disorder and I knew nothing about this, I had no one to reach out to for help. I was alone with a new diagnosis and a family who did not understand mental illness. I started going to a therapist and a psychiatrist to begin anti-psychotic medications. I went for a while, until I decided the therapist was not “helping” me and I decided to stop going and even stop taking my medicine because I was afraid of the “Stigma” that came with anti-psychotics. This did not end well, I had another schizophrenic episode, a couple of years later. I decided going to a therapist would be the best, I convinced my husband that I did not need medicine, I just needed a therapist. Another thing I was wrong about, because in March I had another episode which resulting in me losing my job, that I loved so very much. Having to deal with an episode and the stress of losing my job about put me under. I was having suicidal thoughts because I did not want to be here anymore because I started to feel that I was a loser and the world would be better without me. Finally, after my third episode I decided to continue with my therapist and start medications again. I am on my 4 month of my medicine and I feel good. I still have my lows when I feel like I do not deserve to have my husband or even my life. However, I know there is a plan for me and I will overcome this and inspire many other people in my shoes. Maybe even afraid to publically announce that you deal with a mental illness. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder with my latest psychiatrist and I feel that fits me better, as I fall into certain episodes. I think our society has a terrible stigma with mental health and I want to be a change in our society, to let people realize they are not alone and we can overcome stigmas together in our world.
Until next time!
Keep on going!
#mentalillness #weightloss #schizophrenia
Welcome to my first blog post! I wanted you to get to know me better, so here we go 🙂
- My name is Brittany as mentioned above 🙂
- My birthday is March 17, St. Patrick’s Day Baby right here.
- I married my best friend, Matt on 09/10/11- he better never forget the date 🙂
- I have two dogs, Lucy and Piper, a cat named Mittens and chickens.
- I live in Kenosha, WI in the “country.”
- I have one sister, Emily who is 24 years old.
- My parents have been married for 34 years and they are some of my biggest supporters in life.
- My goal in life is to help as many people as I can achieve their goal, whatever their goal may be.
- I decided to start a blog to share my experiences and help myself grow in my journey.
- I have never broken a bone in my body!
- I have been a been a yo-yo dieter since my early 20’s.
- I am my own worst critique when it comes to myself.
- Believe it or not, I have a very low self confidence.
- I love shopping, but I love getting a deal!
- I aspire to lose weight and become a personal trainer in the future to help others just like myself.
- I have lost over 60lbs over the last year and recently put some weight back on (hence the yoyo dieter) and I am on a path to lose the weight again and than some.
- I strive to be the best I can be in everything I can do and sometimes I fall short and I am hard on myself but I want to work with everyone to be able to help pick up the pieces.
- I think the most important thing to know about me is that I am one of the most caring people you will ever meet. I truly want to be able to help anyone.
- I love crafts, but I am not the “crafty” type, but doesn’t mean I wont try!
- I am excited to get started on an awesome blog and start to meet all of you!