I am sure some of you can relate to dealing with “stigma” throughout your life. Well, I want you to know you are not alone. This is a very hard post for me to make, but I want to let my guard down and really allow you to get to know me as a whole person. I think my first “stigma” was that I was overweight in high school and I remember that some boy called me “Thunder Thighs”, this didn’t hurt when I was younger because the boy saying it should not have been talking. However, as I got older I always could hear that over and over in my head- it really took down my self confidence. I was never the one that to engage in conversation of anyone I didn’t know because I was afraid of what they “thought” of me and what they would say about me. That became one of my biggest insecurities and I still face that issue today. I am constantly worried about someone thought of me, how I look, what if they thought I was fat, ugly etc. I need to realize how to let those thoughts subside and really focus on myself for the person that I am. I am still working on that and working on this “puzzle” we call life. Also, another stigma I deal with is having a mental illness. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. I have “ruined” a lot of things in my life because of my mental illness. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia about 5 years ago, due to some unfortunate events where I began “thinking” and “hearing” things. I was hospitalized for a week due to voluntary admission, this was a terrifying experience for me. I still remember having to sleep on a hard bed, similar to those in the doctors office, without a sheet and not allowed to even have toothpaste or a toothbrush in my room. I had to go get it from the nurses station. I remember the only thing that kept me “from loosing my mind” anymore was coloring. I colored everyday and it soothed my soul. I remember when my mom and husband came to see me, I was both happy and sad. Happy because I missed them, but sad because I realized I hurt them with my schizophrenic behavior. I think the medical industry is quick to “label” someone because they want to just “diagnose” you without really knowing the whole story, it ruined me to learn I had schizophrenia. I always thought, only people in straight jackets could have that disorder. I was so naïve to the disorder and I knew nothing about this, I had no one to reach out to for help. I was alone with a new diagnosis and a family who did not understand mental illness. I started going to a therapist and a psychiatrist to begin anti-psychotic medications. I went for a while, until I decided the therapist was not “helping” me and I decided to stop going and even stop taking my medicine because I was afraid of the “Stigma” that came with anti-psychotics. This did not end well, I had another schizophrenic episode, a couple of years later. I decided going to a therapist would be the best, I convinced my husband that I did not need medicine, I just needed a therapist. Another thing I was wrong about, because in March I had another episode which resulting in me losing my job, that I loved so very much. Having to deal with an episode and the stress of losing my job about put me under. I was having suicidal thoughts because I did not want to be here anymore because I started to feel that I was a loser and the world would be better without me. Finally, after my third episode I decided to continue with my therapist and start medications again. I am on my 4 month of my medicine and I feel good. I still have my lows when I feel like I do not deserve to have my husband or even my life. However, I know there is a plan for me and I will overcome this and inspire many other people in my shoes. Maybe even afraid to publically announce that you deal with a mental illness. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder with my latest psychiatrist and I feel that fits me better, as I fall into certain episodes. I think our society has a terrible stigma with mental health and I want to be a change in our society, to let people realize they are not alone and we can overcome stigmas together in our world.
Until next time!
Keep on going!
#mentalillness #weightloss #schizophrenia